Avoid judgement, not comparison
05 June 2026
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
This is a quote that lives large in the public consciousness. It has been attributed to a variety of different people, from author C. S. Lewis, to former president Theodore Roosevelt, to writer Mark Twain. It is not clear it originates from any of them, however.
No matter the origin, the quote seems reasonable at first. It captures the idea that when observing someone else’s (perceived) successes and achievements, it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling inadequate or behind. Many people voice such experiences, and it has at least been accurate enough for people to feel comfortable using it.
But I have a particular problem with the quote. I think it misses the point. I think it encourages us to ignore our surroundings. What is implied is that you should be independent of the actions of everyone around you, lest they make you feel sad about your own lack of progress. See, I have always slightly flinched when hearing it. For a long time, though, the precise reason for my aversion remained a mystery to me.
Then, recently, I was having a conversation about people, and how to decide who to keep in your life. I don’t, really. I try to make such judgments as little as I can. I’m a person who I think many would describe as independent, or at least relatively unaffected by others. It is extremely rare that I find myself feeling bad due to my having observed another person’s ‘success’. This isn’t because I don’t compare. Far from. I love to compare myself to others. But this comparison, to me, does not entail judgement. It is not a one-way ticket to the measurement of value.
And maybe that’s the crux. If you compare numbers, you are shackled by the fact that it is a one-dimensional representation. Perfectly orderable. To compare is to measure in that case. But humans are not numbers. They are certainly not one-dimensional. And in these settings it is far easier to compare without judgement.
You might reasonably ask the question: why compare, then? Well, to my mind positioning yourself and your actions in the landscape of those of others can be very useful. It lets you see similarities, differences, agreements and contradictions. This is where gaps are noticed, and niches are carved. Equally, it is how commonalities are shown, and kindred spirits are found. To this end, comparison need not lead to judgment. It certainly need not be the thief of joy.
I cannot hope to do it justice here - I will one day - but an exercise in this direction is to think about the ways in which you are different. Not better, not worse, but different. What is it that makes you unique? To do this can be helpful in invoking comparison without judgement.
Let me be clear: judgement is sometimes necessary. Our society relies on it. You can make a decent argument that even our own personal development relies on it. But I think we would do well, on an individual as well as collective level, to reflect on the role of judgement, rather than comparison, in the harshness we all too often display towards ourselves.